The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
You Might Also Like
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers