@Aikiwomannc

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

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@dumbbeezie

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

@Holy_Mowgli

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

@elvisknievil

If you ever need 15 minutes of peace and quiet from texting, tell her to send a selfie.

@geowizzacist

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

@portmanteauface

Sleeping out in the country is so relaxing. The cool breeze drifting through your open windows. Clear night skies filled with every star in the universe. Crickets so loud you start thinking you have tinnitus

@iamspacegirl

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

@LuvPug

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

@TweetPotato314

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.