Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
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scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
mechanics be like
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.