Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

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My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school


ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB


If you ever need 15 minutes of peace and quiet from texting, tell her to send a selfie.


Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force


Sleeping out in the country is so relaxing. The cool breeze drifting through your open windows. Clear night skies filled with every star in the universe. Crickets so loud you start thinking you have tinnitus


My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.


If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.


Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.