Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
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The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
British people
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
just arby’s bein’ a bro
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband