Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
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the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.