*flexing arms* I’d like you to meet my two good friends, Sledge and-


Holy shit that’s way cooler.. I was gonna say Sledge 2

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Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}


friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you


A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”


I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.



“what’s you’re biggest weakness?”


“sorry i couldn-”



Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.


*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*


My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.


If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.