*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
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I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs