*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

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Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.


[At the magic store]

Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.

Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?

Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.


Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.


The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.


[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.


*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.


Mustaches are the eyebrows of the lower face lol. Now that I have your attention, climate change is a real problem whether we see it or not.


Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.