*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

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I’m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.


Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.


2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.


Scientists discover that Jupiter’s moon, Europa, may be suitable for human habitation. When asked to comment Jupiter stated, “Oh, hell no.”


I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.


Grateful to the visionary who saw beans that had only been fried one time and thought, “this isn’t enough.”


“You want to have your cake and eat it, too.” “Yeah. It’s MY cake.”


I told my husband I started seeing a therapist and he was so happy and hugged me…I’m not sure he understood that I meant dating.


Baked turkey for 4 and a half days – instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!