*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
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The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff