@G_Faylor [blind date]
HER: I’m a first-grade teacher.
ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*
@CornOnTheGoblin [flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
- @CornOnTheGoblin
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@G_Faylor 
@IamEveryDayPpl Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
@Book_Krazy “What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
@AngelaEhh I thought I wanted to get married again.
Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn’t think.
@toastymoe If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
@AngelaEhh Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
@SentenceReduced No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
@SharpesEyeView She left me alone in the house with Cupcakes cooling.
Rookie mistake.
@patrickmarkryan *filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* “the leather keeps sticking to my back” “for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on”
@hippieswordfish when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent