@CornOnTheGoblin
@dumbbeezie
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
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@dumbbeezie
@RunOldMan
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
@TEXASVETERAN
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
@RodLacroix
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
@RudeComedian
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on.
Parents: ok, cool.
Me: Your luggage is outside
@aparnapkin
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
@junejuly12
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
@imchriskelly
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
@fishbowel
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
@ericsshadow
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.