A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
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Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home
Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Don: You ask me this? On the day of my daughters wedding?
Don: No. A hot dog isn’t a sandwich.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.