@CornOnTheGoblin

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

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@ShitJokes

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

@ChicksRule

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

@Shock_Monster

Christian Mingle: Find God’s match for you.

Because the Lord works in mysterious ways. Like setting up a website for his people to hook up.

@Rollmaninoz

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

@pisstaken

THE TEACHER ASKED A QUESTION ON ZOOM AND SOMEONE PLAYED A CRICKET SOUND EFFECT ???????

@drinksmcgee

My kids are in Karate class and I’m just sitting here thinking that I could kick the shit out of half these 6 year olds.

@AndreTheViking

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

@nachosarah

if we’re on a date and you’re rude to the waiter I’d be like holy shit I’m on a date