(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
You Might Also Like
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on.
Parents: ok, cool.
Me: Your luggage is outside
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.