[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

- @CornOnTheGoblin

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[blind date]

HER: I’m a first-grade teacher.

ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*


Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*



“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”


I thought I wanted to get married again.

Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn’t think.


If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?


Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.


*filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* “the leather keeps sticking to my back” “for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on”


when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent