[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

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Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed


[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!


I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.


ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.


Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava


I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.


Don: You ask me this? On the day of my daughters wedding?


Don: No. A hot dog isn’t a sandwich.


Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.