@CornOnTheGoblin

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

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@dumbbeezie

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

@RunOldMan

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

@TEXASVETERAN

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

@RodLacroix

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

@RudeComedian

Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on.

Parents: ok, cool.

Me: Your luggage is outside

@junejuly12

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

@imchriskelly

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

@fishbowel

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

@ericsshadow

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.