@CornOnTheGoblin

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

- @CornOnTheGoblin

You Might Also Like

@G_Faylor

[blind date]

HER: I’m a first-grade teacher.

ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*

@IamEveryDayPpl

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

@Book_Krazy

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

@AngelaEhh

I thought I wanted to get married again.

Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn’t think.

@toastymoe

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

@AngelaEhh

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

@patrickmarkryan

*filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* “the leather keeps sticking to my back” “for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on”

@hippieswordfish

when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent