[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

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(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?


I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.


My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.


Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.


Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on.

Parents: ok, cool.

Me: Your luggage is outside


Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.


I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.


Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok


Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.