On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
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No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Me: I love to be held
Christian Mingle: Find God’s match for you.
Because the Lord works in mysterious ways. Like setting up a website for his people to hook up.
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
THE TEACHER ASKED A QUESTION ON ZOOM AND SOMEONE PLAYED A CRICKET SOUND EFFECT ???????
My kids are in Karate class and I’m just sitting here thinking that I could kick the shit out of half these 6 year olds.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
if we’re on a date and you’re rude to the waiter I’d be like holy shit I’m on a date