Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
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Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
starting a garage orchestra
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Home #decor warning.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”