@AndrewsNotFunny

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

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@wolfpupy

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

@Moi_RaRa

I like long walks while holding hands.. which always seems a little awkward with strangers on the beach.

@omerwahaj

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

@girlontapas

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

@Maddy_ubert

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

@rcromwell4

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

@krishna_van

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

@BlindChow

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

@BuckyIsotope

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

@MaryJustice86

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.