i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
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I like long walks while holding hands.. which always seems a little awkward with strangers on the beach.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.