Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
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This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.