Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.

In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.