@dlicj

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

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@mrjohndarby

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

@FredTaming

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

@EasilyTempted

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

@TheMichaelRock

An anonymous internet person said they were going to block me and then blocked me. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

@JakeNicholas

There’s a man at the mall wearing cargo pants and a fanny pack, who I believe is in the process of becoming a suitcase.

@John_M15

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

@BreachingBad

Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.

Beer Fan : Budweiser?

@BlairBraverman

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

@meganamram

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school