flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
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BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.