flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
You Might Also Like
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
peep davidson
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.