Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
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Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Before & after 😅