Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
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Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
I am a gravy boat captain
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Hmmmmm
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
How it started How it’s going
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.