FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
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One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels