Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

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I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.


I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life


A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.


Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.


My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.


When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.


Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.


Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir


Plot twist: two birds kill YOU with one stone.