@KylePlantEmoji

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

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@drewtoothpaste

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

@ericaj1721

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

@WheelTod

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

@shariv67

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

@MaryJustice86

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

@Boleyngirly

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

@RaineyKnight666

Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.

@Matt_The_1st

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

@Tups13

Plot twist: two birds kill YOU with one stone.