Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
You Might Also Like
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.