FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
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me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay