@Shen_the_Bird

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

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@HansGrubertron

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

@Jay1972Jay

My son, who is 10, just explained that the things he did when he was 7 no longer reflect the person that he is now.

I need a drink.

@DiamondLou69

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

@thedad

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

@ajax06

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

@pplwtching

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

@FuckabillyRex

Everybody’s playing an angle and I’m really bad at trigonometry.

@noog

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

@danfishbach

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.