DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
You Might Also Like
My son, who is 10, just explained that the things he did when he was 7 no longer reflect the person that he is now.
I need a drink.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Everybody’s playing an angle and I’m really bad at trigonometry.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.