Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
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Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
titanic
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*