Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
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Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Every haunted house movie:
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
sugar glider wrangler
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Baller is short for ballerina
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie