H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
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Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.