flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what

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*goes to fabric store*
Do you guys have boyfriend material?


Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer


You guys I found this new great birth control called pregnant women posting pictures on Facebook.


“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
“Call a vet” *hangs up*


Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)


little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies


A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.


13 hung up on me, and 9 called me “Nagatha Christie”. It is wine o’clock.


[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?


[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty