*goes to fabric store*
Do you guys have boyfriend material?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
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You guys I found this new great birth control called pregnant women posting pictures on Facebook.
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
13 hung up on me, and 9 called me “Nagatha Christie”. It is wine o’clock.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty