@annaeveryday

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

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@d_whitehouse

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

@Gorilla_Turd

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

@LuvPug

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

@Kinglrg_

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

@warmyellowlight

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

@coolauntV

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

@buy_2_hams

*Evanescence*
(Buy two hams!)
Buy two hams right now!
(I need two hams!)
I need two sopping hams
(SAAAAVE ME)