flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
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victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
How to properly lift a body
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.