FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
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Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
mentally somewhere in italy
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other