[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
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“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time