Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
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If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Match dot com, but for socks.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck