Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

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Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.


TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again


I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.


look I don’t know what your problem is but I’ve got extra if you need to borrow one


I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.


My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂


Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it



8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*


lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!