@tonyhawk

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

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@amishschool

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

@PleaseBeGneiss

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

@Jake_Vig

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

@minkpinkustink

look I don’t know what your problem is but I’ve got extra if you need to borrow one

@WhaJoTalkinBout

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

@sarahkendzior

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

@MumInBits

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

@TheHyyyype

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!