Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
10-12pm: frozen 2
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
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me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
5: Can you cut off the skin?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
JUDGE: Has the jury reached the verdict?
T-REX JURY: Um, we’re unable reach anything Your Honor
School be like
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Pretty sure if I ever texted my hubs a nude pic of me, he’d probably respond “I think you meant to send this to someone else.”
Her: Do you have any hobbies?
*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde
Me: I make my own preserves.