@tonyhawk

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

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@Swishergirl24

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

@PhilJamesson

me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me

bartender: no

me: … excuse me?

bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

@3sunzzz

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

@dreamthievin

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

@momTruthBomb

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

@Home_Halfway

JUDGE: Has the jury reached the verdict?

T-REX JURY: Um, we’re unable reach anything Your Honor

@dreamthievin

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

@mamapojo

Pretty sure if I ever texted my hubs a nude pic of me, he’d probably respond “I think you meant to send this to someone else.”

@drinksmcgee

Her: Do you have any hobbies?

*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde

Me: I make my own preserves.