@i_Lean

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

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@TheBoydP

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

@mrtruthandsoul

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

@shondarhimes

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

@PanettaSexyTime

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

@TheMichaelRock

We’re expecting 12 inches tomorrow night. Well played, Black History Month. Well played.

@lmegordon

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

@Bob_Janke

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

@DopeyTweeter

Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.

@tomatopasties

Just joined one of those Ashley Madison type websites. It’s called Twitter