I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
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An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
We’re expecting 12 inches tomorrow night. Well played, Black History Month. Well played.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.
Just joined one of those Ashley Madison type websites. It’s called Twitter