Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
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There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.