flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
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I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
The three genders.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*