@bobvulfov

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

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@InternetHippo

Feeling good about the economy, and my life in particular, because of the stock market. I don’t have money in the stock market, I just like to see the numbers get big

@Gupton68

hire an accordionist to start playing at family gatherings when you want to signal the guests it’s time for them to leave

@NinjaSweatpants

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

@murrman5

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

@CafeinatedBacon

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

@Havish_AF

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

@LlamaInaTux

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao