flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
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I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
the way this pissed me off… 😭
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.