flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
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How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.