a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
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Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Autocorrect is my menesis
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret