My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
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[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Ghost costume 😂
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
they split up moments later
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year