@ArfMeasures

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

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@aotakeo

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

@saraheliza83

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

@SgtButtCheeks

I forget what I used to do with my arms before I got my iPhone.

Did I hang them down by my side?

Straight above my head?

I really forget.

@durnkposts

“I’m not drunk” *stands up* “Shit, I’m drunk”

@jimmytorosian

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

@MikeBigby

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

@Marlebean

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

@leifromloihi

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

@Mr_Kapowski

Watched an old man pay in all quarters and my only thought was “he must keep all the money he pulls from behind kid’s ears”