Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

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sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this


Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*


I forget what I used to do with my arms before I got my iPhone.

Did I hang them down by my side?

Straight above my head?

I really forget.


“I’m not drunk” *stands up* “Shit, I’m drunk”


A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.


Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster


I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.


[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning


Watched an old man pay in all quarters and my only thought was “he must keep all the money he pulls from behind kid’s ears”