Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
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“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
#gardening
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area