“I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!”
Flight Attendant: u are sitting in an exit row. do u agree to assist in the event of an emergency
Guy behind me: I gotta go to the bathroom it’s an emergency
Me wearing a neck pillow: [eyes open]
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Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.