@jazz_inmypants

Flight Attendant: u are sitting in an exit row. do u agree to assist in the event of an emergency

Me: yes

[later]

Guy behind me: I gotta go to the bathroom it’s an emergency

Me wearing a neck pillow: [eyes open]

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@ianduhig

“I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!”

@JasonLastname

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

@AngieDavisHaha

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

@CHofferCBus

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

@SeiYoung83

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

@TheRealRHB

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?

Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.

Doc: …

@OrangeFact

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

@Ten_Toes_7

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

@IvoryGazelle

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.