@prufrockluvsong

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

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@BatBatshitcrazy

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

@mikefossey

BuzzFeed writer (innocently): hey friends. as a friendly activity, tell me your funny anecdotes. coincidentally I have an article due soon

@SoulYodeler

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

@nealbrennan

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

@drhappyknuckles

Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.

@jazmasta

[loudly so dad who’s been depressed since mom left can hear]
Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS
*dad looks up*

@jackiembouvier

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

@AimeeHelene1

Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.