@TheBoydP
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
@prufrockluvsong
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
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@TheBoydP
@cdpeck
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
@AimeeHelene1
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
@BrianHoweActor
I’m an avid indoorsman.
@ficklenuts
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
@therealeatwood
MUGGER: Yo give me your wallet
ME: Stand back! I have a black belt in Shaq Fu
MUGGER: Huh?
ME: Hiii-YAH! [badly misses a free throw]
@freedom2726
When someone asks me if I’m busy, it always sounds like a trick question.
@tchrquotes
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
@juliussharpe
Gotta be careful. My astrologer just warned me someone pretending to predict the future would steal my money.
@MsFoxIfUrNasty
I’m not getting enough attention when I go out so I’m gonna wear a tight spandex suit w/ my underpants on the outside.
–Superman, probably