flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
You Might Also Like
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.