I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
fa: thimble of soda
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
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BuzzFeed writer (innocently): hey friends. as a friendly activity, tell me your funny anecdotes. coincidentally I have an article due soon
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.
[loudly so dad who’s been depressed since mom left can hear]
Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS
*dad looks up*
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.