Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
fa: thimble of soda
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
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I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!
*all the adults start screaming*
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
MUGGER: Yo give me your wallet
ME: Stand back! I have a black belt in Shaq Fu
ME: Hiii-YAH! [badly misses a free throw]
When someone asks me if I’m busy, it always sounds like a trick question.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Gotta be careful. My astrologer just warned me someone pretending to predict the future would steal my money.
I’m not getting enough attention when I go out so I’m gonna wear a tight spandex suit w/ my underpants on the outside.