Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
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ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.