@brynnester

[Flight]
Cabin Crew: The pilot & co are dead. Is there anyone on board who can fly the plane?
Harrison Ford: I can
CC: Anyone else at all?

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@MatCro

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

@realHamOnWry

My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.

@SaraESpivey

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

@botandy

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

@daddydoubts

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

@TheToddWilliams

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

@Parkerlawyer

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

@myles_morrison

The guy behind me at the grocery store only had energy drinks, root beer & gummie lifesavers, so I asked how far into assassins creed he was

@HughGoesThere

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

@randypaint

it’s the 1950s. u wanna go out in public? u wear a suit. there’s three channels on tv. the people on them are all wearing suits. the radio star is still alive. he’s wearing a suit. wanna hear music? hope u like pianos and white people. in suits.