Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Cabin Crew: The pilot & co are dead. Is there anyone on board who can fly the plane?
Harrison Ford: I can
CC: Anyone else at all?
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I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I drove home with a new bunny for my kids & all they did was moan.
“Why hasn’t it got a head?”
“I don’t want to scrape it off the wheel.”
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Do not let your kids push that red button in the elevator. The fire department will NOT think its adorable.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.