Cabin Crew: The pilot & co are dead. Is there anyone on board who can fly the plane?
Harrison Ford: I can
CC: Anyone else at all?

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Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?


I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”


i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat


Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.


I drove home with a new bunny for my kids & all they did was moan.

“Why hasn’t it got a head?”
“I don’t want to scrape it off the wheel.”


My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.


Pro Tip:
Do not let your kids push that red button in the elevator. The fire department will NOT think its adorable.


My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.