*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*