*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”