(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
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me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
My biological clock is wheezing.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.