Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
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As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
giddy up Office Depot
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
me refusing to leave twitter
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
ibopfufen
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Phonetics