Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
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Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I need to get some bricks…
Oh yeah that’s it
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.