*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
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I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?