@noog

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

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@BrentTerhune

Just made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.

@SirEviscerate

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

@AbbieEvansXO

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

@chuckconry

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

@TankCesar

My doctor tells me I’m healthy enough for sexual activity…I’m just not attractive enough.

@Contwixt

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

@yoyoha

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

@sliver_of

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

@TheMichaelRock

I ain’t sayin she a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe.