SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
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As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
No, he would not have.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I love art.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best