@VampireIguana

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

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@stephenjmolloy

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

@NomDeBenoit

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

@GaryJanetti

Thanks for the holiday photo! I can’t believe your little girls are already unhappy, overweight teenagers!

@KyleMcDowell86

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

@bobsin

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

@Playing_Dad

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

@jellybnbonanza

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

@dxblarssonENG

I’m such a slave to the man working on a Saturday night.

A drunk slave but whatever. Atleast my e-mails to my boss are hilarious now.