Flirtation tip: glue a dead wasp to your hand before the date, then snatch at the air beside her head and show her the wasp. Say “close one”

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No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.


Someone once introduced Jeff Goldblum to me at a party by saying, “This is Chris Kelly,” and he exclaimed, “My god, of course!”

I couldn’t believe it. He know who I was??

Then he proceeded to say, “My god, of course!” to every person he was introduced to.

I love Jeff Goldblum.


[2 paintings talking]
“hey man, guess what im doing this weekend?”
please dont say it
i wanna move to a different gallery


Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”


Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.


would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”


Me: *brings home new puppy*



The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.