@Mickey_McCauley

Flirtation tip: glue a dead wasp to your hand before the date, then snatch at the air beside her head and show her the wasp. Say “close one”

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@kelkulus

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

@Darlainky

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

@ClichedOut

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

@MarcusTheToken

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

@shawnspree

You know she loves you when you wakeup in a pool of ice in the motel room bathtub with only one kidney removed.

@Shenaniglenns

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

@JennnQuinn

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

@Reverend_Scott

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

@Browtweaten

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

@trojansauce

[first day of judge school]
ME: bang the gavel?i hardly know the gavel
TEACHER: *maintains eye contact & crosses something out on clipboard*