The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
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Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.