@HomeWithPeanut

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

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@OnlyFastEddie

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

@liv_thatsme

I don’t like how far I have to scroll down when I enter my birth year online.

@TheAlexNevil

“Danger” was my middle name until I had it legally changed to “No, I’m good, thanks.”

@ArfMeasures

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

@mallelis

ovens are insane
“oh thats just my box of invisible fire i heat dead things in”

@AlexReekie

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

@moose_chocolate

Why does the media always call a stabbing incident a “violent” stabbing incident? Is it possible to stab someone non-violently?

@Akinjoshua2017

When nobody volunteers to present and the teacher says they’re going to start picking at random

@aka_fatman

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

@ShittyComedian

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.