*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
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You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.